If Julie Fell

Today I was asked just what my blog was “about”. I answered with “Whatever I want it to be” because really I’m not going to pretend there is a purpose to my madness, I write about my life, my friends, my dog, my vacations, my general observations and opinions…because basically my blog is an outlet for my little voice to be heard. So just for the record my blog is about - well me and my life adventures.

Speaking of life adventures - I think now would be a good time for the start of a segment I like to call “these are the strange things that seem to only happen to me and while it may seem far-fetched this is indeed my life”. For some reason people say the strangest things to me - like just weird stuff.

Example 1: I went grocery shopping after work. It was a long day and while it goes against one of my personal beliefs (the belief being that you should never go grocery shopping while hungry because you leave with all sorts of strange crap you don’t need but for 15 minutes while you wander the aisles you feel like you have to have it) I trekked over to a local mega-huge grocery market. While perusing the produce a strange yet harmless average looking woman in her mid-30’s strolls up next to me and just turns and stares at me. She says nothing, I think maybe it’s just going to be for a few seconds until she realizes she doesn’t know me, feels embarrassed for her bold move and walks away. No such luck.

She just stands there - about a foot away (invading my personal bubble) and so I finally turn to her, smile and say “Hello”. She replies with “Hi, I know this might be forward and strange to ask a stranger but can you tell me where you get your hair colored at?” - news flash lady: I don’t get it colored. I respond to her with “Oh, actually I don’t color my hair, this is my natural color.” I wanted to also tack on - lady, this is weird and not only forward and strange but rude - you can’t just approach strangers and assume they have hair colors not found in nature. (I’m a dark brunette - a color palate totally found in nature for the record).

Rudy hair inquirer then says “That can’t be your natural color - it’s too multi-dimensional.” I inform her “Oh *awkward laugh* actually it is, I haven’t colored my hair for about 3 years now so it’s all me.” Rude hair inquirer then says “Well that seems so strange because it really is like layered browns - it’s fantastic though. See ya.” to which she then grabs her organic carrots and goes on her merry way.

I was seriously tempted to respond to this strange hair inquirer that actually it’s very possible to have naturally uncolored hair and have it be fabulously looking and just because I am way too lazy to handle the rigorous schedule that goes along with maintaining colored hair it shouldn’t mean I can’t be entitled to a great hair color. Further more, I felt like she was implying like I was holding out on her, like I was scheming to not let this stranger in on my hair colorist secrets. Then I realized, she’s crazily approaching strangers in a produce section to talk about hair color - she’s got bigger issues in life.

Just an example of the weirdness of my life.

Is it strange to be blogging about another blog out there? Will doing so reduce my current blogging audience? Answer: I don’t know. Blondie sent over this gem today and I instantly was a fan: www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.org.

This blog is written solely about stuff white people like - it’s a mass generalization and it has to be written by someone from the Northwest but it’s fantastic and so on point.

Some of my favorite entries on this laundry list are:

• Film Festivals: White people like feeling smart without doing work - 2 hours in a theater is easier than 10 hours with book. *The Sox Fan…you are SO white.
• Diversity: White people love diversity, but only as it pertains to restaurants.
• Wes Anderson Movies 
• Being an expert on YOUR culture
• Microbreweries: Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one has heard of makes white people feel good about their alcohol drinking palate. Birdlegs…they are talking to you.
• Marathons
• Breakfast Places
• Renovations
• Vintage
• Apologies
• Knowing what’s best for poor people
• Recycling

But by far the best entries for me personally were: Asian Girls. I’m including most of the post here because I liked it so much and it hit home. White People love Asian Girls - and Japan - which was a separate entry but had more to do with futuristic living and anime (lame).

95% of white males have at one point in their lives, experienced yellow fever. Many factors have contributed to this phenomenon such as guilt from head taxes, internment camps, dropping the Nuclear bomb and the Viet Nam War.

This exchange works both ways as asian girls have a tendency to go for white guys. (White girls never go for asian guys. Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad are the only recorded instances in modern history). 

White men love asian women so much that they will go to extremes such as stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC or UCLA (please note that both schools’ colors of “blue” and “yellow” are intentional also the “A” in “UCLA” stand for “Asian” while the “B” in “UBC” stands for “Billion” try and figure out what the rest of the letters stand for). Another factor that draws white guys to asian women is that white women are jealous of them.

Take for instance the fact that asian women well into their 30s and 40s retain teen / college girl looks without the help of botox, yoga or a trendy diet (future posts). Asian women also avoid key white women characteristics such as having a mid life crisis, divorce, and hobbies that don’t involve taking care of the children (also future posts). Should white guy / asian girl marry, they produce hybirds that are aestically pleasing, but are very annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the asian peoples in the population race, as most of the hybirds often act white rather than asian.

references: Bananas, Toyota Prius, Michelle Branch, California Roll, Johnny Damon, Kristen Kreuk, 40% of Vancouver’s population. 

Halfies are quite aestically pleasing but we are NOT annoying. Just for the record.

The list of references had me laughing on and off for the better part of the day. Mostly because of my previous post regarding how strangers think I look like Michelle Branch and how clever the Toyota Prius and California Roll comments were. Finally, because The Officer - a guy I dated for most of college - L-O-V-E-D Kristen Kreuk, the chick from Smallville and the Neutrogena commercials. He was open about his whole Asian Attraction though.

My good friend 27 Dresses lacks “the filter”. *Note: 27 Dresses WILL get married someday, I know this, she knows this, hell most people who know her KNOW she will get married but when I started this blog some nicknames for my friends came easier than others. Also, for the record, Blondie and Level 3 came up with the nickname, so please take up any issues up with them. Ahthank you.

Okay, so 27 Dresses lacks the filter, basically this means that while most people think through what they are about to verbalize…she doesn’t. She just says it. Sometimes it’s things like “For Reals?!” and other times it’s things like “No worries girl, shake it off!”. Either way I adore the girl. She is one of my best friends and we have been room mates on a number of occasions. I love that she lacks the filter and while I may not have the same issue I have noted, especially lately, that when I get nervous I just talk…just talk.

For instance, before The Sox Fan and I started dating we were just good buddies. Good buddies who didn’t really talk about the fact that we both liked each other. Once I realized that I did really like the guy my friends were really pushing for me to tell him that. I think they just wanted me to stop talking about him and what I might or might not feel, what would be the pros, the cons, I think they just really wanted me to talk to someone else (i.e. him) about everything. So we are sitting at dinner and I’m nervous because I’m freaking out about trying to talk about my feelings (ugh) and I just start talking…at the end of the conversation I have now told The Sox Fan about how I used to really like the movie The Craft in junior high and how a friend of mine and I went to buy a book on wican spells…it just was an over share. An awkward over share.

I can’t help it. I get nervous and I just start talking to fill the void. I recently also shared my theory on how by living alone I have the fear that something bad could happen to me and no one would know for days. Like I could be attacked in my apartment and four days later a neighbor would report an odd smell to the manager of my building. Maybe it’s all those episodes of Law and Order I watch but I think it’s totally possible and I’m very paranoid about it.

I also partially blame living alone for these new found quirks in my personality. Sure I’ve always been paranoid but the increasing amount of panic the idea of no one noticing if something happened to me and the fact that I just seem to now word vomit to people makes me think maybe it’s time to get a dog…or a room mate.

See, I already feel like I’ve shared too much. Yikes.

Oh Britney, I don’t even know where to begin. FACT: I am a Britney fan.

At the tender age of 16 my three best girlfriends and I decided to dress up like Britney from each of her at the time hit music videos. From that night forward we were hooked - we went to her concert, we made Britney bracelets with various colored beads signifying our friendship and Britney affection (my color was purple). Our affinity for Ms. Spears carried into purchasing her CD’s on release day and engaging in many an email and phone conversation regarding her antics.

I think JW2 and I have taken it to the furthest level over the years- when Britney and Justin broke up we took her side, when she started wearing uber cut off denim shorts and frolicking on the beach with KFed we remained loyal fans. Hell, when she got married and had the Chaotic TV show we bought People magazine to see her wedding album and watched as she paraded all over Europe making out with a back-up dancer baby’s daddy. It’s been like a marriage - for better or worse, sickness and health.

The last couple years have been tough, the back to back baby boys, the dissolving of her marriage, the crazy partying, the shaved head, the WEIRD outfits and strange public outbursts (i.e. see through tops sans bras and beating on paparazzi cars with umbrellas). Then she released her CD Blackout - p.s. fantastic name choice BTW - and everyone thought The Comeback was on the horizon. The CD, it was great, it even garnished positive reviews which one wouldn’t really expect given her wacked out personal life. But these latest shenanigans are putting me close to the edge.

I feel bad for the girl, I couldn’t imagine leading a life where your every move (literally) was under a microscope and millions of people are discussing you constantly. It makes me shudder to even think about. Does living this life of media scrutiny since the age of 16 make her behavior ok? No, the answer is no it does not - but I can’t imagine how she could not be a little crazy with all she’s been through.

Bottom line here’s what I would say to Brit if we ever get the chance for me to play Dr. Phil in an intervention:

Dear Britney,

You have two small children - get your act together. If you are not on drugs then commit yourself to a rehab facility or a funny farm. Get some help. Buy some Victoria’s Secret PINK underwear. Raise your standards - hook up with some hot guys for once. Get a few assistants that are not gold diggers or back stabbers - make sure not to directly link yourself to them in person and let them go to the 7-11 to stock up on Cheeto’s or Starbucks for gallon sized Frappacinos.

Get your life together, get back in shape, make time for your kids, record more damn music that I can dance around to.

The End.

What, you want a piece of me?