Running: It’s not just for exercise

15 Apr

I started off this year wanting to become a better runner. I got into a semi-decent groove with running only to fall off the wagon a bit but recently I’ve jumped back in and I’m feeling pretty good. A big part of falling off the wagon had to do with a long run I had one evening where I was so motivated to hit a certain mileage that I took myself to the place of literally gasping for air and on the verge of barfing. I realized I was being so competitive with myself that I wasn’t being smart. It was slightly frightening and then I realized this was also a metaphor for my life.

I don’t like to be wrong. I don’t like to admit defeat. I sure as hell don’t like to lose. All of these things tie into my running but the running till you puke incident really is more tied into what I’m doing with my life in general. I tend to have overtly complicated relationships and situations with the men in my life, mostly people I’ve dated not so much with guys like my Dad. I like to play it off like things don’t bother me. I like to think if I say to myself “I’m over it, it doesn’t matter” enough on repeat it will actually play out that way. At the basic root of things I like to pretend like things are cool when they are not and I like to run away from just being open and direct. And as of this week I’ve taken that running from things and taken it to the point that I want to barf.

I don’t want to play mind games. I’m not good at it, have you met me? I’m the queen of over-analyzation. I don’t want to think I am second best to anyone. Ever. I want my long standing best friends to think of me in the same regard that I do and I want to think that if push comes to shove I’d be worth standing up for and fighting for because I’m special and important and valued. I want to win. I’m not saying you have to tell any men interested in me that you would physically abuse them if they were rude to me, but I am saying that you can come and go through girls and friends all day long but at the end of the day I need to know that I am important and valued and at a different level in your mind than the new bank teller you have a crush on this month.

I think it all comes down to the bottom line of me being stubborn. I value my closest friends and consider them my family. You mess with them and damn straight you’ll be messing with me. I don’t think it’s that much to ask that I know they feel the same about me and hold me in the same higher regard/higher level, or in some cases higher Tier of friendship structure. Much like how I run to beat a best time or a certain mileage and take it to an unhealthy or dangerous place for my health I’m doing the same thing right now with my heart and my mental health. Perhaps it’s time to fall off the feelings wagon for a bit…

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4 Responses to “Running: It’s not just for exercise”

  1. Mrs. 27 Dresses April 16, 2010 at 10:29 am #

    I hold you in the higher teir of the friend structure. For sure. You mess with you and you mess with me. You mess with me and you mess with you. My money is on both of us. 🙂 xo

    • JDub April 19, 2010 at 1:19 pm #

      Thanks love. In my mind I always see you as Charlotte from Sex and The City telling off some the Big of my life that you curse the day he was born. Classic.

      Just shake it off girl.

  2. Mego April 16, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

    Have you ever tried yoga? I might recommend that instead…

    • JDub April 19, 2010 at 1:18 pm #

      I can’t be alone with my thoughts for the time yoga takes. I’ve tried it and seriously, I think I would be a little bit more wacky if I attempted to replace running with yoga. 🙂

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